


>BECOME A TEEN STATISTIC

by gatty



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Curtain Fic, F/M, Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-21
Updated: 2011-08-21
Packaged: 2017-10-22 21:58:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/243001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gatty/pseuds/gatty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>GC: D4V3<br/>GC: 1 4M 1NF3ST3D W1TH YOUR HUM4N P4R4S1T3S<br/>TG: ...<br/>TG: welp</p>
            </blockquote>





	>BECOME A TEEN STATISTIC

**Author's Note:**

> Unused fill written for Round One of the Homestuck Shipping Olympics.
> 
> Heavily indebted to [Cephied_Variable](http://www.cephiedvariable.tumblr.com) for shoop, and the name "D3CR33D 3QU1TY L1T1G4T1ON XTR3M3 JUST1C3 STR1D3R-PYROP3"

— GC started pestering TG —

 

GC: D4V3 1 H4V3 SOM3TH1NG TO T3LL YOU   
TG: hit me with it  
TG: i am ready to be overwhelmed by your news like a puffin being subsumed in a sticky oil wave   
GC: D4V3 TH1S 1S S3R1OUS  
GC: FOR ON3 S3COND L4Y 4S1D3 THOS3 1LL3ST OF RHYM3S  
GC: 4ND L1ST3N TO M3   
TG: fine go ahead   
GC: 1’M PR3GN4NT    
TG: ahahhaha i see youve finally mastered the fine earth humour of punking your boyfriend  
TG: to step it up a notch you should tell me its not mine  
TG: then go tell Karkat its his   
GC: BUT D4V3 1T 1S YOURS  
GC: 1 4M 1NF3ST3D W1TH YOUR HUM4N P4R4S1T3S   
TG: okay points for the troll imagery  
TG: i wouldnt have thought of going in that direction but it works   
GC: D4V3 4R3 YOU L1ST3N1NG TO M3  
GC: TH1S 1S [YOU](http://i56.tinypic.com/j5xtp4.png)  
GC: TH1S 1S [M3](http://i56.tinypic.com/25f4tb7.png)  
GC: 4ND 1N 1 B3L1V3 N1N3 OF YOUR 34RTH MONTHS TH1S 1S [US](http://i650.photobucket.com/albums/uu225/Cephied/CLICHES.png)  
GC: W3LL S3V3N 4CTU3LLY BUT TH4TS 4 D1FF3R3NT STORY   
TG: damn gurrl i think you just unearthed some kink i never knew i had  
TG: disinterred some shit buried so deep its dripping in sticky red hot magma fluids   
GC: D4V3 1M S3R1OUS   
TG: … yeah i know  
TG: im just  
TG: finding a way to manfully deal with this and not do a fucking zero-g gymnastic summersault -    
GC: OFF TH3 H4NDL3 Y34H 1 KNOW   
TG: ok just so were on the same page  
TG: im good now  
TG: all that screamin was bubbling up is now repressed under layers of shitty jpegs  
TG: im cool   
GC: >:] 4LW4YS   
TG: damn straight  
TG: look at us there all cradling our half alien baby  
TG: coolest motherfuckers ever changed a diaper  
TG: like fucking diaper ninjas  
TG: changed and talc-clean ass before the kid ever wakes up   
GC: TH3 WR1GGL3R W1LL B3 SO W3LL TR41ND 1T W1LL D3F34T TH3 SN4PP1ING-J4WB34STS 1N TH3 C4V3S OF TR14L 4ND TORM3NT B3FOR3 TH3 OTH3RS H4V3 3V3N SL4UGHT3R3D TH31R F1RST MURD3RFLY   
TG: … yeah that shit too   
GC: OK4Y D4V3 1 4M GL4D TO KNOW YOU H4V3 STOPP3D FR34K1NG OUT   
TG: ill get there   
GC: SO… WH4T DO W3 DO NOW?

 

***

 

— TG started pestering GC —

 

TG: damn have you seen this shit hot unicorn action   
GC: WH4T NO WH3R3   
TG: down past shower curtains  
TG: just me and my pony brethren chillaxing all over some curtains  
TG: you should check this out   
GC: H4H4H SUR3 1N 4 B1T  
GC: R1GHT NOW 1 4M OTH3RW1SE 3NG4G3D  
GC: 1T 4PP34RS TH3 R3ST4UR4NT 1S HOST1NG 4 CR4YF1SH P4RTY  
GC: 1T 1S 1MP3R4T1V3 1 D1SCOV3R WH4T M4DN3SS L13S W1TH1N SUCH 4N 3V3NT   
TG: … are you having weird cravings again   
GC: … M4YB3   
TG: please dont lick any merchandise  
TG: we are not some snooty rich bitches who can afford to buy out a store so you can rub your prehensile alien tongue over everything  
TG: we already have a lifetime ban from home depot  
TG: ikea is all we have left to buy curtains   
GC: 1 KNOW TH1S 1S WHY 1M 4T TH3 CR4YF1SH P4RTY  
GC: 1T 1S 4 T3N DOLL4R BUFF3T  
GC: TH3 M34TB4LLS W1TH L1NGONB3RR13S SM3LLS L1KE BRUSH3D ST33L L1GHTF1TT1NGS   
TG: good to know   
GC: 4LSO WH4T PR3H3NS1L3 WH4T 4R3 YOU T4LK1NG 4BOUT?   
TG: private fantasies dont spoil them

 

***

 

— GC started pestering TG —

 

GC: D4V3 D4V3 1 H4V3 4 SOLUT1ON TO 4LL OUR PROBL3MS   
TG: jegus be praised  
TG: …  
TG: actually if its trolls eat their young then i dont really want to know   
GC: H4H4H4 NO TH4T D13D OUT SW33PS 4GO  
GC: MY PL4N 1S B3TT3R TH4N TH4T   
TG: cool what is it    
GC: W3 S3LL 1T ON TH3 1NT3RN3T FOR 4 L1F3 T1M3 SUPPLY OF L1NGONB3RR13S   
TG: ok that seems reasonable   
GC: D4V3 TH3Y 4R3 D3L1C1OUS YOU H4V3 TO COM3 H3R3 4ND TRY SOM3   
TG: im in line to buy these curtains ill be there soon  
TG: so what are we calling this kid  
TG: to put on the ebay listing  
TG: how about chuck norris strider   
GC: BOR1NG  
GC: TH1S GRUBL1NG W1LL B3 C4LL3D V3NG4NC3-1S-JUST PYROP3   
TG: what no one would buy that kid  
TG: jean claude van dam that kid is cool strider  
TG: that kid would sell like vibrators in a nunnery    
GC: D4V3 YOU 4R3 NOT 4MB1T1OUS 3NOUGH  
GC: 4 GRUBS N4M3 1S 4 V1T4L P4RT OF TH31R D3V3LOPM3NT 1NTO M4TUR1TY  
GC: 1T G1V3S TH3M SOM3TH1NG AROUND WH1CH TO MOULD TH3MS3LV3S  
GC: SOM3 D1ST4NT GO4L TO WH1CH TH3Y C4N 4SP1R3  
GC: W3 4R3 C4LL1NG 1T D3CR33D 3QU1TY L1T1G4T1ON XTR3M3 JUST1C3 STR1D3R-PYROP3  
GC: S33, 1 M4D3 4 CONC3SS1ON TO YOUR SUGG3ST1ONS   
TG: were a fucking great team right here  
TG: i am honord to pass my name and dubious amount of genetic material on like this

 

***

 

— TG started pestering GC —

 

TG: where the hell are you im here all alone with these berries  
TG: poppin them like a suburban housewife with a handful of prozac   
GC: YOU H4V3 D1SCOV3R3D TH3 LOG4NB3RR13S  
GC: 4R3 TH3Y NOT M4GN1F1C3NT   
TG: pretty special yeah  
TG: and the fuck you are at is ?   
GC: OH MR ST1D3R YOUR3 S3NSU4L 4ND D3L1C4T3 W4Y W1TH WORDS L34V3S M3 4LL 4-SWOON   
TG: im delicate and sensual as isaiah mustafa in a bathtub of fucking rose petels  
TG: im glad you admit that  
TG: but im sitting with a bag of curtains and two trays of swedish soft fruit  
TG: it would have been cool not to be stood up   
GC: STOP COMPL41N1NG D4V3  
GC: MY S1TU4T1ON 1S F4R MOR3 S3R1OUS  
GC: 1N F4CT  
GC: PUT DOWN TH3 D3L1C1OUS SC4ND1N4V14N FRU1T 4ND COM3 TO TH3 TO1L3TS   
TG: uh i know we had that conversation about exhibitionism but im not really down with trying that out in the ikea toilets   
GC: D4V3 1 4M STUCK ON TH3 TO1L3T  
GC: 1F TH4TS YOUR HUM4N ROM4NC3 1 TH1NK 1 N33D TO G3T K4RK4T TO SHOW YOU SOM3 TROLL ROM4NT1C COM3D13S   
TG: that not funny Rez  
TG: ive seen how his face gets when he talks about that shit  
TG: why would you do that to me  
TG: why are you stuck on the toilet   
GC: 1 S4T DOWN  
GC: NOW 1 C4NT G3T UP  
GC: 1TS PR3TTY STR41GHT FORW4RD   
TG: jegus not again  
TG: why do you have to pee already i swear i stopped at two gas stations on the way here   
GC: YOUR P4R4S1T3S H4V3 3ST4BL1SH3D TH31R COLONY 4BOV3 MY BL4DD3R  
GC: CL34RLY 1 D3S3RV3 YOUR SYMP4THY 4ND NOT YOUR SC4TH1NG WIT  
GC: COM3 H3LP M3 4LR34DY   
TG:… shit fine okay  
TG: hang on ill get there as fast as i can  
TG: theyll be all  
TG: but sir those are the ladies bathrooms you dare tarnish your repuation venturing within and shit  
TG: and ill be like  
TG: thank you for your concern maam but my babymomma is inside  
TG: i must rescue her  
TG: she has charged me with this crappy task through a virtual communication device  
TG: the situation is clearly fucking dire  
TG: then everyone will swoon at my heroics and ill bust in and save you   
GC: YOU W1LL B3 MY H3RO OF TH3 1NT3RN3T  
GC: R1GHT CL1CK YOUR W4Y TO MY H34RT  
GC: D4V3 MY H34RT 1S 1N TH3 TO1L3T YOU B3TT3R HURRY UP

 

— TG stopped pestering GC —

 

***

 

— GC started pestering TG —

 

GC: D4V3 1 KNOW YOU 4R3 DR1V1NG NOW 4ND CANNOT R34D TH1S  
GC: BUT SOON 1M GO1NG TO 4SK YOU TO PULL 1NTO 4 G4S ST4T1ON  
GC: SO 1 GU3SS YOU’LL S33 TH1S TH3N  
GC: 1 JUST W4NT3D TO S4Y  
GC: ….  
GC: 1T W4S COOL BUY1NG CURT41NS W1TH YOU  
GC: OF 4LL TH3 P3OPL3 1 COULD BUY CURT41NS W1TH  
GC: 1M GL4D 1TS YOU  
GC: 1 GU3SS TH4TS 4LL  
GC: YOU C4N GO B4CK TO DR1V1NG NOW

 

— GC went idle —

 

— TG became active —

 

TG: …  
TG: … anytime

 

— TG went idle —

 

— GC became active — 

 

GC: …….  
GC: <3

 

— GC went idle —

 

— TG became active —

TG: ….  
TG: …… <3


End file.
